My mom and I were extremely close. During our moments together, I would often catch her staring at one of her children. One day, I asked her, “Why? Why do you always stare at us?” Her reply was, “I stare at all of you because I’m absorbing every inch of you. Your eyes, your smiles, your hands moving, your faces. It fills my heart.”
I never truly understood what she meant until I had a child of my own. From the moment my daughter was born, I began doing the same thing. I stood over her bed while she slept, watching her breathe and turn in her sleep. When she wasn’t feeling well, I sat outside her bedroom door, just in case she needed me. I watched her intently because I wanted to hold on to every moment, like my mother did. I never wanted to miss a second.
Even now, I hold her every word in my heart. She has always made my world brighter and bigger. Through her, I came to understand the love my mother was trying to explain to me. I now understood how my mom felt towards each of her own children.
Some say the relationship between a mother and daughter has many layers of complexity. Perhaps we see ourselves in our daughters. Perhaps we remember our own mistakes and want so badly to spare our daughters from going through what we went through.
But, when I look at my daughter, I see qualities I wish I had. Her presence is a pillar of strength and wisdom. She has a spirit of a quiet stillness. My daughter is a thinker. She carries a sensitivity and compassion that I once had, before life hardened parts of me. She can make me laugh at the most silliness things. I am grateful she has such beautiful qualities. I’m also grateful she is not like me in many ways.
Watching her grow into her own person has filled me with such pride. But it has also asked something of me. “Bobbi, it’s time for you to learn how to let her grow without always reaching out to protect her.” Boy oh boy! has that been hard.
Yes, we have disagreements and misunderstandings. And as I sit quietly and reflect on my words said or my actions. I can often see what is happening. She needs room to be independent from me, to make her own decisions and choices and to live as an adult. And me as her mom, well I still see her wrapped in arms. My little girl.
I love the woman she has become. She is responsible, reliable and independent. Yet… somewhere inside me. I am still the mother, sitting outside her bedroom door, just in case she needs me. Now that she is living on her own and has made a family of her own. My questions that need answers have changed, instead of “are you hungry or do you need a bandaid?” Now I find myself asking, “Have you equipped her enough for this world?” “Does her husband know when she’s having a bad day?” “Will she be okay when I’m no longer here?” “As I grow older, how do I make sure I don’t become a burden to her.” And then there’s moments as I sip my tea and watch a squirrel run across the lawn, I find myself asking myself. “Now what?” “What is my role now,” “Who am I now?” I have given so many years and so much of me being her mom, “who am I now in this chapter of my life?”
My mind floods with all those questions and then my concerns come out in the dumbest ways when I talk to my daughter. “Do you know how to lock your doors?” “Remember don’t talk to strangers,” “Are you warm enough in your home, I can buy you another blanket?” “Are you eating?” and the list goes on. I want her to know I can get to her in seconds and that I’m still here if she needs me. She may be grown up, but the wish to keep her safe in a world that isn’t always kind has never left me.
I am learning that she can need her own space and still love me. I love hearing her describe the life she is building and her quiet voice saying, “Mom, I will always need you.” Then reflection hits! How! someone tell me how, did the years pass by so quickly. One moment, she was being placed in my arms, with congratulations it’s a girl. And then she’s all grown up and carrying the last box out of her bedroom and saying, “Mom, this is it. I’ll see ya in a couple of days.” I closely followed behind her carrying that final box to her car. She had excitement in each step she took while jumping into the front seat of her car and rolling down her window. She looked back at me and our eyes exchanged glances of love. But really, I was holding back tears and wishing I could grab her and say “don’t go!” There she was, ready to begin her new life and there I was, watching her again, absorbing every inch of that moment.
I felt my mother’s words given to me many, many years ago and watching my daughter drive away made it even more surreal. “I stare at all of you, cause I’m absorbing everything about you.”
When I think about what I hope my daughter saw in me throughout her years of growing up. I hope she saw and felt how deeply she was loved by me. Through all of my worries, sleepless nights, disagreements and the times I didn’t get things right. I hope she knows it was all done for her. Every decision and choice I made was all for her. My unconditional love for her.
I love the woman my daughter has become. I am beyond proud of her and her accomplishments. I am grateful to God for every year, I have been given with her and every moment we have shared. I am grateful that God, gave me such an incredible gift. My daughter taught me more about me, then I would have ever known.
Thank you, my love, for the joy, the laughter, the tears and even our disagreements. Thank you for filling my heart with love I will never be able to put into words or explain. My dearest daughter, you are such a better version of me. To see you become your own person, has been my greatest gift. I want you to know how special, gifted and amazing you are!
My daughter you are: Psalm 139:14 “fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works”
I love you, Mom
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