Friendships

I have never been someone who numbered high on the popularity charts. I have always had a small circle of friends, and that also included having a best friend. That friendship lasted for many, many years. You rarely saw one of us without the other close behind. As we grew up, we married and had children, and we remained close in whatever ways time permitted. She was like a sister to me. She was one person who was always in my corner. I shared all my deepest secrets with her, cried with her and laughed endlessly with her. I thought our connection was unbreakable. The kind of friendship like in the movies where you grow old together.

Then life brought circumstances that changed me. As a result, I endured years of pain and disappointment, fighting battles I never thought I would have to fight. Which led to me no longer having the time to be social. I was trying to survive a storm that was taking away of a piece of me each day. And this storm lasted years! During this time, I was hurt by many people, and that kind of hurt can bring so much distrust. When you experience so much emotional pain, you begin to naturally build up a wall of protection. Friendships and any kind of connection no longer felt safe for me and I struggled deeply with trusting anyone.

I think I have always been somewhat private and maybe even guarded. So finding the words to explain what I was going through during that difficult period in my life, I just couldn’t do it. How could I share with anyone what I was enduring if I couldn’t figure it out myself. And I had a child to protect and that meant I needed to be careful with what I shared and whom I shared it with. I was fighting a battle alone and my silence, by my choice created distance between me and the connections I once shared.

Over time, connections and friendships faded and the bond with my best friend had changed drastically. Invites and gatherings were no longer a priority for me. I was in survival mode and I had no energy mentally to be among anyone. I had to isolate myself in order to keep what little of me I had left. I was running on empty.

As years past I did attend my best friends sixtieth birthday party. And during those three hours that I was there. I watched her interact with her family, friends and guests. I watched her laugh and move comfortably among the people who were there to celebrate her. It was then that I realized we were no longer the best friends who had once been joined at the hip. That sisterly bond no longer existed. Time had taken us in different directions, and those paths no longer brought us together.

There was joy in seeing her happy with her new friends, but I also felt sadness, of what once was between us. Instead of standing side by side with her, I was now standing across from her. Her life was now filled with new friends that were holding a place in her heart, that I once held. And my heart which was already broken, felt another piece break off. But on the way home holding back my tears. The realization that our sisterly bond that blossomed as two little girls and that stood the test of time for so many years, was no longer there. Time and life circumstances had taken us in different directions. And those two separate paths no longer connected. I am grateful for every moment that God gave me with her, but in order for me to heal I had to close so many doors.

I think about her often. How she could make me laugh endlessly and the feeling of having your best friend always by your side. So many years shared glued to one another. Accepting that a friendship has ended does not erase what it meant to me. There will always be sadness or a void in remembering someone who was once such a large part of your life and knowing you no longer share that closeness.

I don’t expect her or anyone for that matter to understand what I have gone through. But trauma changes you and those changes sometimes can’t be reversed in many ways. My healing journey has been slow and I’m learning something new each day. What happened to me changed my deeply and changed me forever. I’m no longer the person I once was. I had to walk away from so much that broke me, in order for me to begin healing. I have never fully shared my story. Who can understand my story of a battle I was never prepared to fight and a battle that left me with so open wounds and scars.

I’ve had to set boundaries to protect my broken heart. I’ve had to say so many goodbyes. At this time, I have a few close friends, not best friend level. But it’s simple cups of tea, a pop in here and there. With them I feel safe, accepted and loved for who I am at that given moment.

Time brings change and growth, whether we like it or not. Time and change can also mean in order to heal we have to walk away from so many things that we love. And in my quiet times, my heart will always hold a space where she and I were once glued at the hip (as they say).